i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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