Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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