I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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