I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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