My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
