I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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