woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
