god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
