What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
