Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
