The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
