her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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