so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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