my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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