I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
