I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
