so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
