I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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