when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
