You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
