At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
