Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
