the condom got lost in my hair
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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