I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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