Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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