I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
