If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
