sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
