did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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