why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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