So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
