god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ketchup is God's man juice
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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