i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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