just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
how can u be prego again
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
