the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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