you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
