Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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