Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
