I think my vagina is haunted
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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