I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
