i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
