i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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