im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
