i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
