dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
