Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
