Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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