i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
