I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
