My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
