Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
