All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
