We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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