I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
