Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
