you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
