My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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