i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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