Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
